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Love, Respect & Compromise 

I have heard people say you can’t always be spiritual and serious all the time in your marriage. Meaning that: there should be an avenue for play, laughter, and fun. Couples should know and put that into perspective. Your spouse needs your attention – they want you to pay due attention to them. Marriage comes with compromise, sacrifice, and great efforts to make it work. But, what you want to compromise shouldn’t go against the limit set by Allah – like Kufr. 

Be vulnerable with your spouse. They are your partners. Take things easy even when you argue on issues. Arguments are good sometimes when done healthily. Have listening ears and show some sympathy. Your spouse may never know what’s going on with you if you don’t speak up. It’s necessary to ask and when asked to speak your mind for a better solution.

Marriage is a place of love and tranquility. Love is needed for the union to grow and succeed. Both partners must avoid external forces and concentrate on the foundation of their marriage – which is love and mercy. Sometimes, without these two, the marriage may not last longer.

Respect is indeed earned as people say, but more importantly one of the rights of your husband. Every man loves to be respected regardless of their status – either rich or poor. Women also deserve it. They want your love and appreciation.

In all, married people are twice as likely to be happy with their lives than those who are not married. Marriage is good for your mental health and it enhances individual well-being. It however comes with some challenges and never a bed of roses. How you handle it matters a lot.

Umm Sumayyah Mai

WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH

If you have been married for some years now, you will notice that after say two or three years of your marriage, the love drops a bit and this is more obvious if you have a child. You tend to pay attention to things you would have overlooked in the first two years of your marriage.

Many of us forget the good old days and the memories we once shared. Our expectations of how we want our spouses to behave are so high that we forget to show empathy when they are down. Perhaps, these are things we can control with our efforts but refuse to. Loving them for who they are, focusing on what you have without comparing them with anyone.

Couples who are supposed to go for marriage therapy and call for mediation begin to see the faults of each other, negatively. Some take days to speak about the challenges they are facing – forgetting that the more you leave the issue the bigger and more difficult it becomes. Thereby making marriage difficult.

It’s crucial to identify the root of the anger and frustration you are both having – getting to know the root is crucial in resolving it. Yes, it is allowed to speak your mind and express your anger and frustration. What you shouldn’t do is to be suspicious of him or her and perhaps engage in the habit of not sleeping in the same bed due to that. Marriage is hard work. I mean real hard work.

To be continued…

Umm Sumayyah Mai

Talking About Gratitude

I was listening to Ustadh Farouk Aleem Al-Egbaawiy ‘s lecture at The Muslimah’s Room (TMR) yesterday on the ‘Attributes of Righteous Women’, and part of what he mentioned was ‘Gratitude’ – being grateful to Allah over His enormous mercy upon you. Being an appreciative wife towards your husband and anyone who does good to you, either small or big.

That simply reminds me of a patient of mine whom l worked with this week. This woman was so appreciative. For every single thing l do for her, she will say ‘ thank you’. I was forced to tell her husband how appreciative she was. Like she is very, very appreciative. And you will have some people who despite doing good to them go about defaming you. This life isn’t balanced.

What is most important for us as Muslims is our intention. Being sincere and doing things only to seek the face of Allah – without waiting to be rewarded by the one you do good to. That’s very important. The attitude of one person shouldn’t stop us from being good to others. Our rewards are with our lord. May we be among the grateful ones.

Umm Sumayyah Mai

Is Marriage Difficult? (Ep. 2)

The truth is the fact that not everyone will experience what you are experiencing in your marriage. Everyone is born with their challenges – and it is fair to say that there may be some couples who are yet to taste the challenges that come with marriage. You may not know the character of your husband or wife until you both get married and start living together.

The challenges in marriage come in stages. There is a period of love and deep affection that most couples enjoy in the first few years of their marriage until trial sets in. The truth is that most of us do not want to invest in our marriages. We do not want to learn what marriage is really about, nor take corrections and accept our mistakes when we errors. There are some trivial issues and arguments that can simply be resolved that some couples divorce upon. And there is a lot of enmity and hostility between some couples that takes years to resolve – making the home a difficult place to live for both. And essentially making marriage difficult.

I have been married for 21 years and l continue to learn every single day. Marriage is a place to learn and relearn your mistakes. Marriage tends to become difficult when both or either of the couples are not tolerant, patient, and perhaps God-fearing.

Marriage isn’t difficult on its own. The concept of love and mercy is mentioned by our creator (Allah). It is us who want to dismiss the beautiful words of our lord. Probably because we do not think our spouses are our brothers or sisters in Islam before marriage.

To be continued…

Umm Sumayyah Mai

Is Marriage Difficult? (Ep. 1)

Let’s break it down…

Marriage can be very challenging and perhaps difficult depending on each couple’s circumstances. Marriage can also be very soothing and comforting. I can tell you that one of the good things l enjoy in life is marriage. And yet, marriage is one of the most difficult things l experienced in life. I am still married to the same dude whom l love to play and fight with. What an irony of life!

I would like to state that before you accept any proposal from a man as a lady, and before you finalize your coming together of sister Majeedah, ensure there is enough clarification of why you are getting married to her and the roles each party needs to uphold when you finally tie the knot.

Some questions need to be asked by both of you and from each other. This isn’t the time to think l just love her – neither is it the time to think you have found Prince Charming. This is absolutely before doing lsthikhara. If you start well, it is possible to go well. That conversation is crucial for you to know what you can, and cannot compromise. Get to know the deal breaker!

To be continued.

Umm Sumayyah Mai

Training The Girls

Naturally, l am someone who cares about others. Let alone not being kind to my visitors. One thing l always do is to try to give my best to my visitors. I learned that from my mother.

The other night, l was up cooking for my brother-in-law who was coming from the United Kingdom and l went to bed pretty late. I told the girls this is called sacrifice – sacrificing your sleep for the sake of Allah to put a smile on your visitor.

Earlier that day, my husband called me while at work that my brother-in-law would arrive the next day and l was like, Chai! I have work in the morning. But l need to prepare a delicious meal. So, l got home that evening, ate, prayed, and headed to the kitchen. I made a beautiful Jollof rice and nicely fried meat roasted in a spicy chopped stew. It was a blast! I love it.

I went to sleep and still got up for work the next day. I told the girls this is how you do it. It is called sacrifice. Your visitor or visitors deserve the best from you. You must allow them to come back
again. There is always joy in doing things right for me. How you treat your visitors matters.

Umm Sumayyah Mai